Hello all! Lol, based on the picture accompanying my intro today, you can probably guess what’s about to go down in this post. Welcome to my review of Chappie! 😀

This one is slightly spoiler-y in spots, because I’m irked, and get descriptive about the things that irk me.

Brace yourselves for a super-size helping of nope.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

  Starring: Sharlto Copley (Chappie), Dev Patel (Deon Wilson), Hugh Jackman (Vincent Moore), Sigourney Weaver (Michelle Bradley), Jose Pablo Cantillo (Amerika), Yo-landi Visser (herself?), Ninja (himself?)

Plot (taken from IMDb):

“In the near future, crime is patrolled by a mechanized police force. When one police droid, Chappie, is stolen and given new programming, he becomes the first robot with the ability to think and feel for himself.”

Trailer:

Characters:

Sharlto Copley (Chappie) – He did an amazing job as Chappie. His performance really brought the character to life, and made me care for him a lot. Chappie is a kind-hearted, naïve robot who can feel, like any human child, and I want to hug him. Or call child protective services. Or both.

Dev Patel (Deon Wilson) – I like this character the most out of the humans in the movie. His interactions with Chappie were touching, and I like the way he was trying to teach Chappie.

Hugh Jackman (Vincent Moore) – *UUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!!* Wasted potential here. Hugh Jackman could have been an amazing villain, but he didn’t get enough screen time, or plot for that matter. I had trouble remembering his character’s name until I looked it up for this review. Also – how, exactly, does one un-sexy Hugh Jackman? Khaki shorts and a starter mullet-looking hairstyle that I can’t figure out, that’s how. -.- Women all over the world are weeping.

Sigourney Weaver (Michelle Bradley) – *UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!* x2!!!! Even more wasted potential here. Sigourney Weaver rocks whatever she’s in, and in the few scenes she was in (wherein she was either sitting, standing, or walking while saying yes or no to something) she did an excellent job, despite having even less screen time and plot to work with than Hugh Jackman. I also did not remember her character’s name until I looked it up for this review.

Jose Pablo Cantillo (Amerika) – A gun-toting, drug-dealing, human moron, who takes advantage of the child-like Chappie, and participates in throwing him to the wolves on a regular basis.

Yo-landi Visser (herself?) – Of the three gun-toting, drug-dealing, human morons who had the most screen time, I hated her the least. Yaaay. -.-# She at least loves Chappie, and tries to take care of him. She doesn’t take advantage of Chappie as much as the other two, but she participates in throwing him to the wolves just as much as Amerika, by allowing Ninja to do whatever he wants.

Ninja (himself?) – The last, and most repugnant, of the three gun-toting, drug-dealing, human morons who takes advantage of the child-like Chappie. I have a middle-finger shaped hatred for this character.

 

Super Rage-y Review:

To say that I had an emotional reaction to this one would be an understatement. Certain things just get under my skin, and this movie uses a couple of them.

This is not my kind of movie. This is not my genre. This is not my cup of tea. To each their own, but for me this is a big, fat NOPE.

I have been left with a burning anger in my soul.

*deep, calming breath in*

Yeah…

*slow, zen-like breath out*

I am going to attempt to describe this movie without using my rather large and creative cussword arsenal.

But I make no promises. -.-#

So, here. Have this. ~

That was a trailer for Appleseed. If you enjoy happiness and robots, go watch that movie, and pretend Chappie isn’t a thing that happened.

There are also some artwork and plot similarities there as well… Except there’s more plot in Appleseed, and less car-jacking… Just saying…

Like Seventh Son, this movie had a great deal of wasted potential. For me at least, the deeper meanings that could’ve been found in the story were drowned out by how badly Chappie was treated.

Yep, yep. And that about sums it up.

However, if you would like to hear more, dear readers, and choose to continue on, I will describe in gory detail why this post is littered with cake. Lots and lots of cake.

For one thing, this movie has more villains than good guys. Everyone sucks, except Chappie, Deon, and Michelle (because she doesn’t have enough screen time to do anything good or bad either way).

Okay, so from there we go to the members of a South African band, called Die Antwoord – the people who sang the song I left at the beginning, and are in this movie, kind of sort of as themselves. Kind of? They don’t even change their names, actually – they’re just Yo-landi and Ninja.

I hates their characters with a deep and endless passion.

I was forced to sit and watch Chappie being manipulated by these people he trusted (he saw Yo-landi and Ninja as his mommy and daddy) for the better part of the movie – and part of this was what equated to blatant robot child abuse, even going so far as to knowingly abandon him to people that would hurt him in order to “toughen him up,” and also using his fear of his impending death (his battery was dying, and couldn’t be replaced), to manipulate him into committing crimes and unknowingly hurting people in the process.

Don’t get me started on the magnitude of the lies Ninja was willing to tell Chappie to get him to do what he wanted.

*UUUGGGHHHH!!!!*

I can’t remember hating a character as much as I did this one.

Listening to Chappie beg for mercy, like a child who doesn’t understand what’s happening to them, or why anyone would hurt them this way, gave me chills.

I don’t care if this is a flashy, sparkly action movie with explosions. This kind of content is a deal-breaker for me if it’s not at some point followed by all responsible parties being dismembered in horribly slow and painful ways. They could throw a flying man in a cape in there, and it still wouldn’t make this okay for me.

*struggles to hold in the cuss*

And so I ended up sitting in the movie theater with my fists clenched, and none of the people who I wanted to pummel on my side of the screen.

Okay, logically, I realize this is a robot we’re talking about here. But the writers did a fantastic job of making me care about Chappie. I really, honestly cared about him, and saw him as an actual child.

I can’t deny that the writers are amazing for making me feel something so strongly. Seriously, kudos to them, regardless of my general dislike of the movie as a whole. It’s been a while since a film moved me to this level of anger and disgust.

It is the moments surrounding this scene with the dog, in which: I. Want. To. KILL. EVERYONE.

There were two characters in particular, who were involved in these scenes, where I thought to myself – “hrmmm… you know, I’m thinking I’d really like to rip your spleen out and beat you with it.”

Yo-landi at least cared about Chappie, I think as much as Deon did, but she did NOTHING to stop Ninja’s idiocy when he and Amerika manipulated Chappie.

The most she did was scream: “I hate you!” and “How could you!”

Out of the three criminals, I at least liked her a bit for insisting Chappie was just a child, and they weren’t treating him right.

Of the human characters, I liked Deon the most. He did his best to take care of Chappie, and tried to teach him more than just killing and committing crimes.

But every stinking time he got close, and managed to teach Chappie something valuable, Ninja ran him off by waving a gun in his face, and Yo-landi just let it happen, even when she disagreed.

*UUUGGGHHH!!!*

And why was Sigourney Weaver even there?

Not that I don’t want to see her. I always want to see her in things, because she’s frickin’ amazing. But her character served no real purpose, except to say yes or no in a few scenes, which pushed the plot along another agonizing inch.

Anyone could have done it, and I wish if they were going to put her in this movie, they had given her, I don’t know… LINES! Actual lines! Anything to showcase the mad acting skills she has!

Then we have Hugh Jackman as the main(?) villain. Seriously, I can’t decide if he really was the main bad guy, because almost everyone truly sucked in massive ways.

It’s not that I mind him being a villain. He’s a great actor, and I’m impressed with the scope of his acting skills – he’s good as anything: hero, villain, or anti-hero. He was able to water down how intimidating he can be, and turn himself into a petty, short-sighted bad guy, who also happens to look a lot like an angry park ranger.

If he was supposed to be the big villain here, he was greatly overshadowed by just how big of a… turd… Ninja was. This had everything to do with the story, and nothing to do with anything on Hugh Jackman’s part.

Both Sigourney Weaver and Hugh Jackman are awesome, and I have serious sour grapes about the fact that I feel like more could have been done with both of them, and the writers wasted their chance.

Two of Hollywood’s best (in my opinion), reduced to two of film’s least effective characters.

Have I said this yet?:

*UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!*

And the ending! *UGH!* The ending! What. Was. That supposed to be? Where was the justice in any of that? I realize that in life, sometimes things aren’t fair, and there is no justice. But I like to lose myself in fantasy land (movies, books, games, etc) to forget all that for a couple hours.

I do not enjoy being bludgeoned over the head with tragedy, which is why this movie does not work for me at all. This is just me, and perhaps, in my anger over how Chappie was treated, I missed the hidden charm of this movie, or the point of it in general, but…

That’s it! I can’t hold it in any longer! This goes beyond my capacity for avoiding the almighty cuss, and I’m bringing out the big guns!

Matrix 3, Matrix 3, Matrix 3, MATRIX FUCKING 3, DAMMIT!!!!

 

My rating for Chappie: Emergency Cake – It was painful to watch Chappie being manipulated the way he was, and to see him continuing to be so innocent and trusting, despite everything. Horribly painful. I do not handle senseless cruelty well. Not enough fiery justice was rained down upon the people who hurt Chappie to make this in any way worth it. I am not a fan. Give this one a go if you like movies like District 9 or the band Die Antwoord, and just want to see them in a movie, or if you enjoy dark/gritty robot movies in general.

I’ll just be over here with Appleseed and my cake.

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Epic: This movie is so mind-bogglingly awesome that I may go see it twice. This one will have a place of honor on my shelf.

Cash-Worthy: Good stuff. This will most likely find a place on my shelf.

Not Bad: I liked it. I’m glad I saw it, and it may or may not end up on my shelf at some point. I would say rent it first to be safe.

Meh: Rent it first. You may love it or hate it, but I’m indifferent probably because it’s not my type of movie. I’m glad I saw it, but it won’t end up on my shelf.

Emergency Cake: I have an emotional reaction to movies sometimes, especially to tragedies. If a movie makes me sad or angry, sometimes it will stick with me for a while. At these times, only chocolate cake can save me. Chocolate cake makes everything better. No shelf for you. Ever.

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